Originally written as an apology for not meeting my good friend Colin while on vacation, I must now apologize for this apology. Sometimes, the law is too much for people to handle, and they try to ignore it. Little do they know, justice never stops coming. If you don’t read part 1, part 2, andpart 3, you will probably not understand the deep storyline.
Dash felt cooling rain on his face. He didn’t know how many days he had been unconscious, but he assumed that it was more than 5. The first thought through his mind was “My mouth feels like someone exploded in it. I really wish I had brought a toothbrush or two”, and suddenly remembered his second favorite tooth. He reached into his mouth and was surprised to feel it still there. Confusion washed over Dash. He sat up and took a quick look around. He was on the same hill that he and Babyback used to look down on the explosion factory. Dash looked down the hill and saw the ruined explosion factory and leftover piles of gunpowder. He heard a familiar voice say “Oh good, you’re awake. I made you a toothbrush.” Dash turned his head slowly and looked up to see the smiling face of Babyback. “I arrested a wolf for public indecency, then plucked all of her whiskers to make the bristles. She attacked me and resisted arrest so I pulled a bone out to make the handle.” Babyback stated proudly. Dash gave a wide smile, and reminded Babyback of the tooth. “Oh yeah, I found your tooth in the remains of the explosion factory and managed to intimidate it back into your mouth. I had only done that once before, so I have to admit that I wasn’t sure it would work.”
Dash was overwhelmed with everything that Babyback had done for him. “You did great” Dash said, but suddenly remembered his previous engagement and flew into a panic. “Babyback, how long have I been out?!” he shouted frantically. “5, maybe 6 minutes. Why?”. Dash jumped to his feet and said “We only have 5 minutes before….. Before I am to marry the chief’s daughter. I love her as much as I love cop law! We need to get to that church!” Babyback ripped off his sunglasses in surprise, then put them back on slowly and in a serious voice said, “Let’s roll”.
Dash and Babyback rolled down the opposite side of the hill towards the street. Babyback stood up first, but was too dizzy and began walking sideways until he bumped into a tree. Dash sat up and took a few deep breaths before standing up, which helped slightly. He moved over to Babyback to help him up, but he was too heavy to lift, and Dash fell over him. Dash looked at his watch; only 4 minutes left.
Dash ran into the road and stopped a stylish, black sedan. He ran to the driver’s window and saw a man in his early teens looking at him with a surprised, yet sympathetic expression that showed that he knew Dash had to be at a wedding. “What CDs do you have?!” Dash yelled. “See…deez?” the driver said, surprised. Dash reiterated with renewed desperation “CDs! What CDs do you have?!” to which the driver said “Mariah Carey’s Christmas CD!” which sent Dash running to the other lane to flag down a station wagon. Running to the driver’s window he saw a woman in her late 60s still looking directly straight ahead. Dash waved to get the woman’s attention, but she continued looking directly out the windshield. “Ma’am, ignoring an officer is a crime, and also, what CDs do you have?!” Dash screamed. The old lady, unable to form words reached down with a shaking hand and brought up 3 CDs, The Essential Jazz Collection, Household Jazz Themes, and the Ghostbusters 2 Soundtrack. Dash kicked her door in frustration and wrestled a bit with the mirror, which was very strongly attached to the vehicle. He reached into the car, and taking her dress by the collar, ripped it off of her and licked carefully for drugs. She was clean.
Dash’s ears perked up, and he raised his head to look around, and noticed a Hummer 2. Dash remembered his training and did a barrel roll into the street to block its path. The driver slammed on his brakes, which couldn’t be heard over his vehicle’s ear-shattering bass. He rolled down the window and yelled at Dash. “What’s your problem, shitlord?” Dash could barely hear above the well-written lyrics of the rap-rock bellowing from the modest vehicle, but he heard everything that he needed. Springing to his feet, he enforced the law. “Sir, you are under arrest for the crime of insulting an officer. I need to confiscate your vehicle” The driver opened his mouth to protest, but Babyback was already running over and with expert timing took the opportunity to place a gun in the driver’s mouth and shouted “Stop resisting! Don’t make me shoot you! Exit through the window! Stop resisting!” then with the strength of a gorilla opened the door with the driver still in the window to an eagerly waiting Dash, who kicked the driver in the face before he hit the ground. Babyback ran and leapt with all of his strength to jump high enough to slide across the hood of the yellow Hummer 2, landing and immediately jumping into the passenger seat backwards while shouting “Keep your nose clean!”
“Stay out of trouble!” Dash shouted, while revving the engine with his hands from the open window.
He glanced at his watch. Only 3 minutes 45 seconds to go. The Hummer barreled down the street and plowed through the station wagon. Babyback howled in joy, then shouted “You can’t stop the law!” to which Dash responded “Justice never stops coming!”
Dash and Babyback were watching as the speedometer’s needle rolled upwards. 40…45…50 miles an hour. Dash turned to Babyback. “You know, without a siren this action could be construed as breaking the law.” to which Babyback began to reply “The law is a loosely defined set of rules to allow us….” but was cut short as the Hummer crashed into the back of a truck full of watermelons and live chickens. Watermelon rinds and feathers collided with the windshield, and the two brolice lurched forward. Babyback shook his head in disbelief, which Dash misinterpreted as hunger. Dash reached out the window to grab a piece of watermelon for his partner when his eyes caught his own wristwatch, barely visible through the fruit-soaked windshield. Dash saw only 2 minutes and 45 seconds to go, and knew what had to be done. Dash yelled “RUN!” and exited the vehicle with Babyback following close behind. As Dash ran towards the church at the end of the block, Babyback hesitated.
Something didn’t smell right. Something smelled like explosions. Dash turned to see why his partner wasn’t standing at the church doors with him, and it what felt like slow motion he saw Babyback say “Go!” before the Hummer exploded and sent a plume of fire several hundred feet in the air, engulfing and obscuring Babyback from view. Dash briefly thought if he should yell dramatically, or go inside and get changed, so in deciding upon doing both, he burst through the doors of the church and ran to the dressing room while shouting “My partner! Nooooo!”
The bride heard her husband to be, and the veins on her arms became more defined in anticipation. From her swollen, acne-scarred face to her amazingly defined triceps, she would have been the spitting image of the chief if he had had an inch-long clenis caused by years of steroid abuse. Her face became illuminated, and her massive jaw supported a smile just as Atlas supports the world. She downed her protein drink, lost in thought about her romantic future. In a few minutes, she was to become Mrs. Dash Lookswell, and for the honeymoon she intended to show how romantic she could be by rubbing her vagina all over her husband until he looked like a glazed donut.
Dash threw on his tuxedo, and fastened his tie and cummerbund as best he could. As he was running out of the dressing room he caught his reflection in a mirror and notice that he had cried his first tear. So many major events had happened in his life in the past two days. His chief and his partner, both dead from crime, and crime still existing were enough to push Dash’s tear duct to the leaking point. However, he remembered the wonderful woman whom he was going to spend the rest of his life with, and with a newfound sense of joy to wash away his sadness from losing his chief and his best partner, he walked down the aisle to marry his second best partner. Dash looked over at his numerous children who were attacking a large bouquet of flowers with a few brooms. He smiled warmly because he loved most of them very much. They ran to hug his legs but he managed to easily kick them away, and made his way to the alter. He would have loved to have even more children, but his future wife’s muscular vagina was now so defined that it would easily crush anything in the birth canal.
Dash looking around the room and saw his family and coworkers, all of their smiling faces showed just how proud they were. His grandmother was there, complete with oxygen tank gave him an enthusiastic thumbs up. His cousin, Biff Smackdown, whose name he always envied. His family gardener, that administered inspections on him every Sunday in the tool shed. So many wonderful people.
The music started, and he saw his lovely, musclebound maiden in her custom-made gown. He looked her up and down and he felt a surge of love flow through him when he caught a glimpse of the small wagging nub in her pelvic area. But, she wasn’t alone. Dash squinted his eyes, then dropped his jaw and used his throat to emit a long vowel. It was the chief, holding himself upright with the help of a cane and his own daughter. Although the bandages on his body had the telltale signs of blood, and his breathing filled with blood and labored, the chief held his blood-soaked head high. Dash was so astonished that the chief was alive and had made it to the wedding that he had to check his pockets for napkins. The chief’s muscular titan of a daughter towering above them both stirred Dash’s loins into a frothy frenzy.