With the passing of the Dear Leader due to “overlove of his citizens”, we enter the awkward 3rd age of the Kim dynasty in North Korea.
In the beginning, China wanted to give everyone the gift of oppression and got a lot of folks excited over living in drab concrete buildings. Only having recently hopped on the Communism wagon which was being driven by those wacky Russians, China stayed on and ended up driving the Communism wagon into full-blown tyranny territory. Russia eventually got a little pissed off that they were being portrayed as bad guys in every action movie from 1978 to 1988, and thought that a regime change was in order.
China and North Korea stayed in the Communism trade, and each came up with an incredibly uninspired mascot. China got Mao, and North Korea got Kim Il Sung. They didn’t like America sticking their throbbing Western into their moist Eastern, and then started the Korean War. Their Korean Penninsula was split along the 38th parallel after China threw a few hundred thousand meat shields towards the U.S.
If you’ve ever played Sim City, you will know that you should build infrastructure, and not just blow all of your money on monuments. Kim Il Sung didn’t get the memo, and put statues all over the fucking place at the cost of a functioning economy. When the Soviet Union collapsed and cut off North Korea’s life support of food, oil, and hideously tacky vehicles, they went through some horriffic famines with Kim Jong Il LMFAO and the populus saying “everyday I’m sufferin’. Over 3 million people died in a very short timespan, so they dished out bullshit stories about Kim Jong Il being born under a double rainbow on some holy mountain, then getting a few hole-in-ones on his very first time playing golf. Their cult of personality was promoting the Kims to demigod status. Presumably, everyone was either buying into the hogwash, or fearing death in a work camp, since North Korean news media has never called any of this into question. Oh yeah, Kim Jong Il also invented hamburgers about 5 years ago, so make sure you say thanks the next time you go to McDonald’s.In the early 90s, President Clinton noticed that Kim Jong Il was acting “a bit like a cunt” and promised aid to the country through means of nuclear reactors. Kim Jong Il was super-excited over juche and wanted to take credit for the nuclear plants. Too bad Bill Clinton later said “He’s all fur coat and no knickers. Fuck that wanker” and renegged on his promise, starting a long history of a game known as “Act nice long enough to get aid and then act like cunts again and get more aid”.
Kim Jong Il made a few nukes, which were hundreds of times smaller than the fucking incredible Tsar Bomba that Russian used to deforest a few thousand square miles of tundra multiple decades ago, and even smaller than America’s first venture into nuclear armament. However, North Korea is unpredictable and really loves killing innocent people, so their pathetic bombs on their little Dong missles were still cause for concern, and prompted America and South Korea to give tons of food aid to North Korea, to stop all of their citizens defecting to China.
Through the famine and the flames, Kim Jong Il held onto power. As the years progressed, his platform shoes grew larger, along with his grandma hair. The only thing that didn’t progress is his fashion, since he wore his janitor’s uniform for the greater part of his life. Somehow, Kim Jong Il had sex, and it didn’t just occur once. This can likely be attributed to his ability to kill any woman who turned him down. He made a few fatasses, and after he stroked out and disappeared from the public eye in 2008, found most of them unfit to succeed him. His oldest was caught trying to sneak into motherfucking Tokyo Disneyland, which must have embarassed Kim Jong Il, as it flies in the face of juche, or self-sufficiency/reliance. Since North Korea is incapable of building anything even remotely as impressive as Disneyland, Kim Jong Il got all butthurt and denied the throne to his eldest fatty. Another child was denied since he was too femme, which considering Kim Jong Il looks like someone’s grandma, must have been quite the wispy child.Kim Jong Il probably wished he was a little more King Jong Healthy. His Swiss-educated fatty, Kim Jong Un won the dictator lottery, and will now be rattling his saber towards the South, while desperately trying to keep his generals from staging a coup on his mid-twenty year old ass. It’s being reported that some other guy, who functioned as Kim Jong Il’s number 2, is running the show. Kim Jong Un is just the plump little mascot who ironically represents a nation of starving people.
Even though today is South Korean president Lee Myung-bak’s birthday (lol, really…December 19th, check it. Happy birthday.), he probably is too busy shitting himself with stress thanks to the unpredictable nature that North Korea has demonstrated since being established. With Seoul reportedly within shelling range of whatever functional artillery batteries the north has hidden away, and full of food to attract all of the hungry North Korean soldiers, the mood is rightfully tense. Luckily, South Korea’s mineral and vesphene gas stocks greatly outnumber those of the North, and the North currently has just lost an important overlord.I’ve lived with a few South Koreans, and have to describe them with two words; “bro” and “competitive”. South Koreans are cool as hell, and my heart honestly goes out to them in this situation. It is difficult to know the mood of the country, and I really hope that there is a smooth transition in North Korea that doesn’t involve a hail-mary attack on the functional part of the penninsula. For as cool as they are, South Koreans seem pretty competitive to me, and I am really afraid that despite the South’s resolve in the face of decades of douchebaggery, will eventually result in some form of violence. The South has been pushed and shoved constantly by the bastard North, and even the most patient tiger will strike back after being bitten by a rat several dozen times. Hopefully, Kim Jong Un has enough common sense not to start anything…especially since America has just declared the Iraq war over, and we’re looking for some other shithole to fuck up.
You make fun of Kim Jong-Il, but could you be a better leader than him? Do you have what it takes to drink Hennesey and get blow jobs all day every day?
My friend’s grandma looks exactly like Kim Jong-Il, except dressed in black jumpsuits with sequins on them. She hobbles around his house and yells all sorts of crazy sounds in Chinese while eating foul-smelling “medicines”.
I know, cool story bro.
I enjoyed your story, and read it thrice. Thank you for the story, The Masked Tardvenger.