Raspberry Pi: A Comprehensive Guide


The Raspberry Pi is the object on the left.

Raspberry Pi is the poorly named tiny computer being produced for poor people to allow them to have a computer. Originally marketed as the Raspberry Pie, the extra ‘e’ was dropped in favor of the American spelling as well as to cut costs. It was a direct result of the One Laptop Per Child foundation’s overuse of plastic cases, which ended up being burned as fuel, and therefore the Raspberry Pi is sold as a bare board. Surveys determined that people were more inclined to believe that it contained more technology if they could “see all of the chips and stuff”.

Raspberry Pi is roughly the size of a credit card, and packs in the computing power of your great aunt’s eMachine that she bought from Target in 1999 in hopes of finding her perfect mate on Match.com, but ultimately never did but still talks about how lonely she is at every Christmas dinner and then proceeds to find faults in everyone and reveals how truly abrasive she is. It costs about 35 dollars to get your hands on, much like the Raspberry Pi.
It comes with 1 or 2 USB ports for plugging in peripherals, some sort of a USB power plug, network plug, plug for a monitor, and some slot to hold an SD card.

A batch of pis has just became available, and neckbeard are stroking themselves in anticipation. The only way to aquire one is to go to Element 14 or RS Derptronics and register for their spam brochure which they have personally assured me will not be sent more than “a few times a week”. Oh yeah, they go on sale today, February 29th. A day this eventful only comes around every 4 years, but after the world ends in 2012, this may be our last chance, so make the most of it by buying a cool little computer you won’t use. I will be happy to take it off of your hands once RS Derptronics refuses to sell me one because I got their name wrong.

Here’s how it will be used to hide porn;
With a power supply and network cable connected, place the Raspberry Pi into a waterproof container, being careful to seal up any areas that the cables pass through. Place this waterproof container into the tank of your toilet, and disguise all wires by wrapping them in toilet paper. The toilet paper can then be held in place with hair, and the hair held in place with glue. Run the wires out of the toilet and under a carpet towards your router. Since it runs Linux, the most capable of all the operating systems, it will not be capable of sharing files with Windows, so you will have to set up Samba. I will leave that mystery up to you to solve!
Once you have Samba set up, or it comes already set up, or whatever….they haven’t been clear on the bundled software, you are ready to put your pornographies onto it! Create a folders numbered 1 through 10, 10 being the pictures that bring you to climax the most quickly, and 1 being pictures that you only keep to disgust your friends. 3 is ugly exes. 5 is pretty good looking, but have really bad fake boobs. 7 is for pictures where the nipples are angry looking. 9 is for extremely fit women. Now place all of these folders inside of another folder labeled Work Reports 2006 to throw off any network porn spies.
Since the Raspberry Pi consumes very little power and uses practically no oxygen, it can remain undetected for years! When decency police invade your apartment and trace the wires back to the bare-board Raspberry Pi, and begin asking questions about it, you can easily claim it was a piece of electronic and not a computer, since it has no box to it.

Why you should buy several;
-Each Raspberry Pi can perform complex calculations and store pornography. At 35 dollars apiece, they cost a fraction of the cost of a good computer.
-Computers are the future.
-By 2013, everybody will own one.
-One Raspberry Pi is roughly 900 times as powerful as a single Commodore64.

Why you can’t buy several;
-Only 10,000 have been made, and most have been promised to royalty as dowry
-They each contain trace amounts of poison that is absorbed by the skin, and handling more than 1 will kill you


How will the Raspberry Pi react to a crying child?
The Raspberry Pi feels empathy towards any living being that is in emotional distress, but lacks the capability of expressing that empathy. This feature would have been cost-prohibitive.

How often do we need to feed the Raspberry Pi electricity?
The Raspberry Pi will consume electricity during operation, and will stop eating only when powered down.

Can I buy a Raspberry Pi if I don’t have any money?
No you may not.

What case options are planned to be released?
There are instructions for several do-it-yourself cases online. The most popular being the double-tennis-ball case, where two tennis balls are slit open and placed on the Raspberry Pi, and look like two Pacmans competing over a single power pellet.

What is the largest number the Raspberry Pi can display on-screen?
The Raspberry Pi is capable of displaying numbers up to 100,000. A dongle will be sold that will double this amount (approx. 4Q13).

What kind of noise does the unit emit?
The Raspberry Pi uses no fans, and emits adorable squeaks.

Is there a list of recommended peripherals for use with the Raspberry Pi?
Raspberry Pi recommends using not using peripherals unless necessary.

6 thoughts on “Raspberry Pi: A Comprehensive Guide

  1. I love how this is called a “Comprehensive Guide” and doesn’t answer most of the questions people have about the device. However, it leaves you with numerous other questions such as “if the Raspberry Pi was, in fact, capable of showing emotion, could it also be programmed to provide robot kisses and hugs?” and “If Americans drop letters from the correct spelling to better represent words more phonetically, why not omit the ‘P’ in ‘raspberry’?”

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